...and Life Goes On

The alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, even though I have the day off work. I didn’t get up right away, but rather laid in bed til 6. I went into the living room and Derrick greeted me with a kiss and a cup of coffee, he must had heard me turn off the white-noise maker. I sat down next to him and we watched the news together for a few minutes before he went to wake up the kids. Olivia was the first to run into the living room to me and said “good morning mommy” and hugged me. She’s such a good girl. Maverick came out next, blinking because the living room lights were too bright. Evelyn decided to sleep in a bit, until I called for her to get up. She crawled into the living room, looking like an adorable cloth-covered zombie. The kids all crowded us on the couch and watched the news for about 15 minutes with us before the mad dash that is the morning rush to get ready started. The kids got dressed and Maverick very proudly tied his own shoes for the first time! He was super happy. 

Today is pay day, but I don’t get to keep any of my check, it’s all going to bills. Oh well. There’s always October to spoil the kids and myself with a little something something. As for now, since I’m still new to working, September’s pay checks are to play catch up. We’re not far behind, only about 2 weeks, which is pretty awesome. My GAIN worker is really proud of all the hard work I’m doing and she said compared to others in the GAIN program, I’m a true go-getter, getting MULTIPLE job offers after only 2 weeks of searching. Today I have to fax in my last 2 pay check stubs. But I might go into the office because I have to pick up some job searching forms, to make up for the hours I’m short this week. Hopefully soon, Derrick’s benefits will kick back in and with my working, we won’t need to be on Welfare much longer. Not that I don’t appreciate the help from the state, it’s just so much more rewarding to do it yourself. I’m just sorry that Derrick will never be the same. I hate that he got injured, and especially because he got injured so young because there’s so much he’s missing out on with the kids. I know how bad he wants to coach the kids in sports, especially Maverick in T-ball, but with the bursitis in his shoulder, I doubt it’ll ever happen. And that saddens and frustrates me. 

Today is one of relaxation. A little wine. A nice bath. A manicure and pedicure while the girls take their naps. Maybe I’ll bake something too! Or make some bisque since I bought some butternut squash cubes. Speaking of soup, I need to put an emulsion blender on my Christmas list. And speaking of Christmas lists, the kids need to start their lists soon, so Mrs. Mama Claus can begin the Christmas Layaway. I’m pretty sure that Miss Evelyn wants everything Monster High, Olivia everything Dr. Mc. Stuffins or Sophia the First. And Maverick wants anything WWE or Transformers. But for now, Evelyn and I have been decorating the house for Autumn and Halloween. There’s candy corn and orange glitter everywhere. There’s witches in windows and pumpkins hanging in the air. There’s black cats on the counter and skeletons that are bare. There’s ghosts hanging from the tree and wolves that are were. Yes, I just did that. I am a poet after all. Now I want to watch Nightmare Before Christmas and make Caramel and Candied Apples! 

Looking forward to church tomorrow because Derrick and I get our “Experiencing God” workbooks. We missed a week’s worth of homework, but that’s because USPS was late on the delivery last week. There won’t be much women at church tomorrow because most of them are going to the Women of Faith Conference. I woulda went, but I found out too late and didn’t really have the $100 ticket fee. So figured I’d just go to the next one. I am, however, going to the Loma Linda Women’s Conference in January with my grandma and that’s gunna be fun. I just remembered that I have to take the girls to get their blood tests done and to set up an appointment to get their iron levels recorded. Maybe I’ll take them on Wednesday since I have the day off. I worry about the kids having vasovagal syncope spells like Derrick. I know for sure Maverick does because he had an episode at a doctors appointment on time. Derrick’s gunna have to go with me because I can’t hold both girls while they get shots, especially if one or both have a VS episode. *Sigh* I love my kids so much, but because of their daddy’s health history, I constantly worry about them. But I pray every morning and night that the Lord will protect them and so far he has. 

It's Always Gotta Be About Them...So Here It Is, It's All About Them

So sick and tired of my dramatic and overly sensitive in-laws. They look for more drama than the bitches on the Jersey Shore TV Show. It’s more than apparent that they have an issue with MY blog, but do they come to me to discuss it? No. They call Derrick and either yell at him, degrade him, cry and make it all about them or guilt trip the hell out of him. I was pissed off the other day because I was tired of my husband and children being hurt. My husband confided in me about his family being in town, being in Riverside and that no one, not one person picked up the phone and call and say hey, I’m in town, can I see you and the kids? Nope, we don’t know they’re even local until getting on Facebook and seeing pictures of them being in Riverside to visit Scott and his family. A family we barely found out existed. Speaking of that, no invitation to the baby shower, no call that the baby was born, no call to come meet our new niece, nothing. So we figured they didn’t want us around, we got the hint, which is why I’m glad we don’t spend the holidays with them because it’s nothing but fake niceties. 

So anyways, I wrote a blog with my issues about them and whoa did they blow it out of proportion. Yeah it may have hurt some feelings to read the truth, but hey—the name of the blog IS Sugar & Spice Ain’t Always Nice—I’m blunt and honest. My in-laws don’t like me, that’s okay, the feeling is far more than mutual, but they should at least have respect for Derrick and our children, but no. We’re the “after-thought” in his family. Unlike my family and Derrick’s father’s side of the family. Granted, my family isn’t perfect, but whom ever they have an issue with, me OR Derrick, that’s who they go to, to talk to. My daughter Olivia has been alive for almost 4 years. You know how many times she’s met her Grandmother Brenda and her aunts? Once. She’s never met her uncles. Same goes for Savannah, she’ll be one next month and she’s met her paternal family once since she’s been born. You know how much that pisses me off? When I become a grandmother, I plan on being in my grandchildren’s lives as much as possible. Hell, Derrick and I are great aunt and uncle to Ares, Addison and Christina because my brothers and sister all forge a relationship with us AND maintain it. We fight, but we’re adults and know how to talk it out. We’re not fake one minute and bat shit crazy dramatic the next.

Yup, they’re all crazy and you know what’s ironic and stupid, that we TRIED to welcome them back into our lives after Derrick’s grandfather died. We tried, but they all play games of favoritism and other bullshit. Like tonight BRANDON ESPARZA (see kiddo, I mentioned you in a blog, you’re famous now cause it’s viral) decided to call my husband and throw his weight around, pretending to have these huge balls and threatening us with “Valerie works for the County of Riverside” Um, who gives a flying fuck. I know I’m right with the county, my bills are paid, I work hard and my kids are provided above and beyond necessities for life. They’re desperate to be liked and I don’t like them. I won’t ever like them and everyone who’s reading this KNOWS that. I won’t ever apologize for that. Derrick’s family have all been bullies for too damn long and I’ve stood by for 14 years listening to the bullshit they’ve put him and me through and now I say fuck it. I don’t need and don’t want these people in my lives if they don’t want to be in my life and from day one, they’ve done NOTHING but shown me that they didn’t want me in Derrick’s life. 

I mean, seriously, these are the same people whom, on the FIRST day of meeting them, literally said, “Nice to meet you, but Derrick we thought you were gay.” The same person, Brandon, whom, at my Engagement Party got up to “toast” us and said “They’ll be divorced within a year.” Then there’s Alicia who’s called me a fat cow among other not so nice things. There’s Barry, who’s called me a fucking cunt and threatened me. Now tonight it’s Brandon, again, who’s threatening us. I’d like to see him try something, because I’ll turn that shit around on them so quick because the idiot doesn’t realize he threatened me via text message about his wife’s profession and her “ability” to have us investigated…um, hello, that’s a malicious act moron. He always says the stupidest shit when he’s angry. He looks like Wreck It Ralph when he’s angry LMAO. They don’t even know what they want. I’m not some ass-kissing blonde bimbo that barks whenever their husband says too. I’m not naming names, but they know who they are.

I won’t ever apologize for my writing, it just hurts them because they have to read the truth that they’re NOT these amazingly nice and religious people they claim to be. It’s all acting, it’s all fake and the ONLY reason they’re so angry is because it’s true and it’s out there via the internet. I’m also so sick of the jokes about Derrick being “pussy-whipped” or that he’s a puppet and I’m pulling the strings because they don’t know jack-shit about my marriage. I don’t know how ANY of them can speak ill about MY marriage when I’ve been married to the SAME man I have children with for over a decade now and we’re happier now than ever before. I wasn’t some knocked up teenage slut, I wasn’t married out of wedlock, I didn’t get knocked up randomly and I haven’t been divorced. I’m not one to run away from a problem. If somethings broke, I don’t throw it away, I FIX it and stick with it (i.e. my imperfect marriage) My husband is one of the most confident men I know, but he’s so desperate to have a loving relationship with his bullies of older siblings, that he tries SO hard to keep the peace and let them yell at him and degrade him and guilt trip him and when he DOES gain the courage to stand up for himself, they bark over him or they claim it’s me telling him what to say or do. Derrick has a brain of his own, even though they all think they bullied his opinions out of him when he was younger. 

If they choose to read this, oh well. I meant every single word I wrote. Black and white, it’s right there and there will be NO apology for it. I’m perfectly okay without them in our lives. In fact, our lives are SIGNIFICANTLY better without them. It’s been how many years in between me being pregnant with Olivia and Derrick’s grandpa dying? That’s how many years our lives went on, happily, without these drama queens and kings a part of it. My kids have loving grandparents and aunts and uncles, Derrick has loving in-laws who call him SON and tell them they love him every time they see him or talk to him. Our little family has the WONDERFUL Bruno Family too, who goes out of their way to spoil the grandkids and Skype every weekend from Costa Rica. I have wonderful in-laws that I can confide in and talk to about anything and everything from my bipolar to alcoholism to abuse, anything. But, do I judge Derrick’s mother’s side of the family? Damn straight I do, because they’re judged me from day one. They claim to be God-fearing, Jesus-followers, but are those kind of people also right-fighters, screamers and guilt-trippers? Especially Alicia, when I wrote that blog, that was MY angry about DERRICK’S hurt and yet somehow, she broke down crying and made it about her once again. That the thing about these people, it ALWAYS has to be all about them. I’m SO over it. Glad to finally get all that off my chest.

Let the threats (and guilt trips, and dramatics, and angry screaming matches and stupid phone call and texts) commence!!!

Friends Are the FAMILY You Get to Choose

Today was mostly a good day, until I got off work and checked Facebook. But I’ll get to that later. I kind of got to sleep in this morning, if you think 7:30 am is sleeping in, cause for us, it is. I got up and watched the news for about an hour and then I made breakfast for all of us. Then I got on the computer for a bit and enjoyed some coffee while watching more of the news. Around 9 I decided to take a shower and start getting ready for work. After I finished my hair & makeup, I got a magazine and sat down next to Derrick on the couch and hung for a bit. I needed to leave the house by 11:50 am to make the bus. Once I left the house, I immediately regretted flat-ironing my hair and wearing it down because, good Lord, it was hot! While I was at the bus stop, this random teenager came up to the stop and asked me questions about the bus. Once my bus pulled up, he made some comment about me looking “cute” today and asked for my number so he could text me. I thanked him for the compliment, but ran for the bus.

I got to work early today by about an hour. So I had lunch while watching the football games with the other associates. Work was pretty good today, we had a steady flow of customers all day. The day went by pretty fast. I remember clocking in at 1:30 and then bam! It was 5:30 and I needed to bag out my drawer. After work, I got my belongings from my locker and bought the baby some diapers. I used my SYWR points and only paid $3.77 for her diapers—woot! Only sucky thing, is now I’m back to 0 on my SYWR account. Wa wa waaaa. After I was finished at Kmart, I ran across the street to Sprouts and picked up some ingredients for dinner tonight. Then I dashed to the bus stop and scrolled on Facebook for a while, while waiting for the bus. The bus turned out to be 15 minutes late and I was freaking out thinking that I missed it. But it showed and I got on, exhausted and totally ready to be hoe already. Too bad that bus drops me off 3 city blocks from my house. So I had to trek it home in the heat carrying my purse and a full grocery bag.

So I get home I start dinner with Derrick as soon as I walk in the door. We start talking and we come across the topic of his family. Derrick explained to me how hurt and offended he was to see that his family was out here in Riverside today and NO ONE called him or came by the house to visit him or the kids. That’s why I’ll always dislike his family, they don’t think and even if they did, they CHOSE not to call or visit him. That’s cold. I hate to say it, but the only “family” who’ve proved themselves that they care and love for Derrick, the kids and even me, are the family members we haven’t even met yet. Carlos and Ana are amazing and the best in-laws any girl could wish for. They constantly ask me how the kids are doing, how I’m doing and to tell Derrick and us all that they love us. But today, when I got on Facebook and I see all these photos of Derrick’s family being in town and yet our phone never rang. I’m kind of glad that my kids don’t know Derrick’s side of the family that well because they obviously don’t want to know my kids. If my kids grow up and never speak to them and don’t call them aunt or uncle, that’s fine by me—they have amazing aunts and uncles on my side of the family who love them, call them and visit them. Plus they have their grandparents who Skype them every weekend from Costa Rica. 

But now my babies are all tucked in comfortably and snugly in their beds. And the house is quiet and I’m blogging while Derrick is working on his drawing lesson. He’s doing so good on this. I hope he becomes this awesome art teacher some day! He’s so talented and I’m so lucky to have him. It’s Sunday and there’s not really anything good on TV, Shark Tank was a repeat. I’m hoping the weather changes this week and it’s not so hot. I work tomorrow a full 8 hours. So I’d love to have some forgiving weather to walk home in. For now, I’m gunna go snuggle up to my handsome husband and watch a couple of Law & Order: SVU episodes before I have to get up early for work and getting the kids to school. It’s a Monday and I have a FULL work week ahead of me. Debating whether or not I should shave my legs for work tomorrow or just wear leggings. We’ll see how I feel in the morning. Most days, I don’t even have the energy to put on makeup, but I need to look awake and glowy for my customers at work, so I paint on the war paint even though I KNOW the heat is gunna melt it off. Oh well. Have a good night!

Rocky Road

Life has been getting rather busy lately. Any given day, I have something to do, even on my days off (like yesterday, I had to go grocery shopping and a therapy appointment). I’ve been trying to help Derrick keep the house clean, but after work and long bus rides and long walks home in the heat, I’m tired. I’m so exhausted, I crash on the couch for a hour or so. But today I didn’t crash, I helped with the laundry and I’m finally writing a blog after taking 2 days off from it. I think I needed a break and not much happened during those two days anyways. I was sick the day before yesterday and I had to work and it was horrible. I had an embarrassing runny nose all day. Yesterday I had a therapy appointment and that went pretty good. I talked to her about life, work and relationship issues between me and Derrick. I love how honest she is. She offered to have me and Derrick do a Couple’s Session next week and I’m really excited for that because Lord knows we need the help with communication.

Speaking of therapy, I know that writing this should be my own mental release therapy, but sometimes I feel like, what’s the point. No one really reads these. I don’t get any feedback anymore. To me, it feels like the only time I get readers/followers and commentary is when I blog about the sexually abusive past or my trysts. No one seems to be interested in the “life” I’m living. Granted, it’s not as exciting as the Kardashians, but hey, I think it’s interesting enough. I’ve been seeing a lot of negative comments regarding blogs lately and I’ve kind of shy’d away from sharing it much anymore. I’m thinking about closing the page and making it private, that way I have the therapy of getting it out, but not begging people to read it. Besides, my writing style makes a lot people feel uncomfortable so maybe I should quit. I’ll have to think about it some more. 

Work was okay today. I think I’m getting a hang of the register pretty well. I have a hard time keeping up when he have a rush but at least I sold 2 replacement plans today! My arrow was in the red for the SYWR cards and that sucks. But you can’t FORCE people to sign up. What sucks is that if I don’t stay at 75% of SYWR memberships, I get docked hours and days. I’m trying my hardest, but I don’t know, people just seem to not have patience with me. It’s not like I’m slow or stupid, it’s that I’m just trying to be thorough and there’s a LONG script we have to recite as a cashier. There’s a million questions we have to ask the customer and they get annoyed with us and demand us to move faster. I can only go as fast as the computer will let me. I kept my area clean, put away go-backs and restocked the “impulse” areas. I have to figure out how to get more hours at work. Derrick can’t work, so I’m responsible for making 35 hours per week. And unfortunately, Olivia can’t go to preschool, unless I pay for it, but I can’t afford $125 per day. I feel so bad because we already got her hopes up.

Tonight is just me trying to relax after work. I’m thinking about taking a bath and sippin some red wine after the kiddos go to bed. We have church tomorrow morning and a Church Social afterwards. I’m making a three bean salad for the BBQ. It’s really good, but I have to make it tonight because it has to “marinate” overnight in the fridge. I’ll gladly share the 6 ingredient recipe if anyone wants it. I want to do my nails tonight but I don’t know if I have the energy. I really should though, I deserve it, I’ve been working so hard lately. So I don’t mind staying up a bit late to pamper myself. I just glad I wrote this blog. Today wasn’t all that special but it was a good day. Tomorrow I work at 4pm to 8pm. Trying to make next week’s check a big one so I can pay for the rents late fees. Hopefully my 3rd week check will be enough for the electric bill because I am SO sick and tired of being behind on every single bill every single month. I’m SO ready to be stable. 

First Day...of the Rest of My Life

I. Am. Sore. Today was a busy day. I spent a lot of time on my feet. And for those of you who don’t know, I’ve been having painful issues with my left foot for a few months now. I’ve had X-rays and there’s no fracture or break. No one knows where it’s coming from and why. I woke up at 3 am this morning, wide awake and not able to go back to sleep. So I got up and wrote up the Meals Menu List and the grocery list and I filled out that Interview Form for the church. Derrick and the kids all woke up around 6 am. Derrick made us more coffee and I got on Twitter for an hour. Afterwards I jumped in the shower, then did my makeup, got dressed and did my hair. I ate breakfast and left for the bus. I forgot that the new timing schedule came out and so I thought the bus was late, therefore making me late for work, but no—it all worked out and I got to work about 15 minutes early.

I cannot believe how many GREAT sales Kmart is having AND I get a discount on top of it all—ridiculous huh? Plus I work at Payless, so I get shoes on discount too! Mama is set. Especially for the holidays. Anyways, today at work, I had a PAL Trainer named Dalia and she’s SUPER nice and totally patient. She rocks. We had fun training and touring and studying all morning. I got my Starbucks on during my break. After my break I was able to jump on the register semi-solo. After all, it was my first day at the registers, so I made SOME mistakes, but it’s pretty simple. I just had to remember the codes and passwords and all that fun stuff. I also found out that the pay period is different than I assumed and this Fridays’ check will be for ONE day, LOL. Oops. The day started to go by quickly when I was thrown on to the register. I had a few impatient customers, but NO ONE got irate with me—awesomesauce! 

I kid you not, the bus ride home from work was nearly 2 hours. There was SO much traffic and all the stops. Geez, I didn’t think I’d make it home for dinner and I got off at 2! I had to walk home 3 long city blocks in 100+ degree heat with heavy grocery bags to get home. I was dead to the world by the time I got home. Literally, dead. Pretty sure I was having a stroke of some sort. I KNOW I didn’t drink enough water today and I didn’t get lunch until almost 4 pm. Which explains why I couldn’t finish dinner. I’m so tired. I am so exhausted. At least I remembered to take my medications this morning. Hopefully tonight when I take Round Two, I’ll be okay adding a shot of Nyquil with it because I am sick. Yay, lucky me huh? Catching a cold on my first day. I don’t know if I caught is from Savannah who was sick a couple days ago, or from work today. I touched A LOT of money today. Lord knows what the hell I coulda picked up.

So, it’s Tuesday, one of my favorite days of the week because Extreme Makeover: The Weightloss Edition is on. (For those of you who don’t know, I’ve lost over 100 lbs) This show is so empowering and inspiring. I just love Chris and Heidi Powell. I just hope that I can stay awake for the whole 2 hour show. I’m so tired. And since I’m sick, I think I deserve some wine, so I’m gunna head over to Sprouts after work and pick up a couple of sale Rieslings. Alcohol is a natural infection killer right? Therefore alcohol is beneficial for colds?  Especially IF I mix it with OJ! Maybe I’ll get some Sauza Gold instead…Speaking of snot and sickies. Savannah completely ruined my work outfit today—so there goes rewearing this. Yes people, she got snot all over my top and pants. Ugh. It’s almost time for the kids to go to bed and I can start on my newest Autumn Craft. I’m going to be making a Candy Corn Wreath I saw on Pintrest. But first! I need to get this runny nose under control—OMG! It’s SO annoying. 

Um, Yes, That IS Water in My Glass

My head is being annoying again. Just when I think things are good and okay, I feel that cloud roll in and darken things up again. It's frustrating. I'm tired of my happiness being so short lived. I know I'm supposed to keep an eye on triggers for depression, but how can you tell the difference between depression and just upset? I'm so sick of my brain. I should be happy right now. Things are looking up. I have a roof over my head, bills being paid, food on the table, 2 jobs when people are fighting to have just one and yet I'm starting to get depressed. Derrick and I had a long talk last night in regards to last nights post and about me showing signs of an emotional affair beginning with a close and personal friend online, but nothing is going on. But I feel like I can't even chat without my friend without Derrick making some excuse to walk by and read our PMs or he asks what we're chatting about, etc. I constantly feel like a little kid being monitored by a helicopter parent. Now I'm worried that my friend won't want to talk to me anymore because it feels like we're doing something wrong.

I want a drink. Really bad. And when I say drink, I mean, crack open the vodka bottle and put in a straw. I'm tired of being a right fighter, a people pleaser and a fixer. I don't know why I'm so worked up and worried about making EVERYONE I meet happy and satisfied. I don't know why I'm always so lonely and desperate for attention. I don't know why it starts out as something super innocent and escalates to something to outta whack that even I'm left with blurry vision. It's days like this that I miss cutting. I want to get drunk and take a pair of scissors and just carve up my legs again. There's something so comforting about the burning sensation, the beauty of the blood and the release of all the toxic emotional poison building up inside. I know I'm not supposed to cut, but there's something so warming about it. I know I'm not stable and I haven't been taking my meds like I'm supposed to. I take them sporadically and sometimes I miss them for days. I can only imagine what the Lithium is doing to my liver. I have no idea. I wish they had a Cutters Anon. 

I wonder why I constantly worry about being abandoned. I worry about abandonment so much that I think I create it and begin to push people away, rather than wait for them to leave on their own. I think, partially, that's why it was so easy for me to have an affair, because in my mind, I never actually thought Derrick would stay with someone like me. A crazy, fucked up, mentally jumbled freak who panics over everything. So, I began scouting. Looking for something, someone, not necessarily someone "better" per-say, but someone just as fucked up as me, that understands me, accepts me and wants to help me like I want to help them. Where's MY fixer? Why am I always the one wanting so desperately to help other, to assure their comfort and to make them more self-confident, when I'm tearing myself apart, losing my own self-image and destroying my confidence? I'm lost. I am a lost little girl and I have no excuses or reasoning behind my actions. I know I'm not supposed to cheat and yet I do it anyway. I'm so desperate for affection, starved for it, literally and emotionally, that I create these atmospheres of trust that ALWAYS lead into something more, and I KNOW where it's going, and I continue to let it and sometimes ever encourage it. Makes no sense to me.

It angers me that people don't take me seriously about being a sex addict. They think it's an excuse-label for being a whore or slut. They seem to think, only men can be sex addicts because they can't control their erections. Wrong. Women can be SA too and it's harder for us because there's so many more scary consequences for us. But how does one manage being a Sex Addict when the Support Groups are only for men and women are considered a "trigger" and therefore, unwelcome to the meetings. Do you know how hard it is to be bisexual and a sex addict? Both men AND women are triggers for me. But I can't get the help I need, I can't learn to cope with my addictive behaviors with other like-minded individuals, who are also trying to cope and survive in this world, because I have a vagina and breasts? What, the, fuck? Really?! I need help. Granted, I have a fantastic therapist and she's doing all she can to help me, but one on one with a therapist isn't helping me around the millions of other people I could interact within any given day. Where's the groups for the Bi's?

Life is too short to be spending it so bitterly. Or drunk. But I can't help it. There's just days when my mind attacks me and the voices are incredibly mean and demeaning. I know that killing myself via alcohol isn't smart, but staying at home and drinking until I giggle, sounds like a great plan. And now another stressor shows up at my door--my grandparents show up, right in the middle of me blogging and trying to relax. But I have on a fake smile, I nod and politely agree with their meaningless and stress-inducing conversation. I hate to be like this with family, but I have no choice. I can't explain to them how I feel because they're too old-school to understand. That and they're from a time when Mental Illness wasn't a thing. Medications are a crutch, I need to learn to suck it up, snap out of it, move on and carry on. THAT'S one of the main reason I started drinking so young, because I was constantly berated, degraded and then told to get over it.

I need a drink.  

This Hard One Calls for a Stiff One

First, let me tell you that absolutely nothing exciting happened today. SO if you’re looking for an up to date positivity blog, click the little X box in the upper corner now because mama is dealing in nothing but the past tonight. Here’s the sped up version of today: Woke up at 6 am, got on the laptop, the kids woke up, Derrick got up, we all had cereal, I organized my office, I took a nap, got up, I washed my face and got dressed and went to the swamp meet with my dad, we had lunch at Tam’s, I came home and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up, cleaned the living room and thawed dinner. After a few hours of BS-ing with friends, I made dinner. We ate. They’re now playing Just Dance on the Wii and I’m writing. Tada! One whole day in one paragraph—go me!

Trust is a big issue in our household and I’ve had a lot of people lose a lot of respect for me. I’m not a good person, but I try to be every day. I know I say I hate being a “fixer” but in all honesty, I think I like fixing all I can to make up for all the things I’ve fucked up over the years. I tried to be a perfect child to make up for all the fights and drug use my parents did. I tried to mask the bad childhood with good grades, awards and buying friendships. When I was a teenager I was very rebellious and did a lot of things for attention. I didn’t find out this was Bipolar-related until I was 27, so you can imagine all the crap I did before I got my diagnosis. I was desperate to make people like me when I was a teenager. I was super lonely and still “bought” people’s friendships—but it got worse, I began using my body as currency. I wasn’t even taught different and when my cousins began taking advantage of me at a very young age, I just assumed that sex was an equal opportunity expense. 

When I became an adult, I was already in a serious relationship and engaged for the third time. I was literally what they called a “fast girl” I moved very fast only because I was super lonely and didn’t ever want to hurt anyone. I don’t like to say no, because I’m afraid of hurting, upsetting or angering people. That gets me into trouble, a lot. That’s how the affairs started. I didn’t know how to say know and at the time I was feeling incredibly lonely and was hurting. I needed the attention, and since I was angry at my spouse, I wanted attention from anybody but him. Sometimes I’d feel like Derrick didn’t care who I was, who I was growing up to be and what I wanted to do with my life. We were kind of just going through the motions of husband and wife, mother and father to young kids and roommates paying bills. I’m naturally an open book and love to talk, and I’m not gunna lie, I like talking about myself. I love when people are genuinely interested in me because I give them the same respect in return. I genuinely want to get to know people. But that kind of relationship can quickly escalate into something more and dangerous.

I couldn’t tell you what was worse for my marriage; the sexual affairs or the emotional ones. The only way I can explain it is, I asked for the emotional affairs, I won’t lie. I wanted the attention, I wanted to feel important and special. I wanted someone to talk to me, about me and notice me and my life. However, the downside of the emotional affair is the payment. There’s always a request for payment. And for me, the payment was usually sexual because that’s what I was used to. That’s what I was raised to know. When a man gave you sole attention and flattered you, you slept with him to tell him you appreciate it. I’ll admit it, I have a warped-ass mind. I know I do. I have issues and I don;t know why I think the way that I do, but I do. God, I hope that makes sense. I am trying my damnedest to change my ways and not be that immature person anymore. I haven’t had an affair since 2008 and what’s weird is that I cherish that like an alcoholic does his sobriety date. Just like with my cutting, I was 23 when I cut for the last time. I remember where I was, why I did it and how I felt. I have a sobriety date, but that doesn’t matter to anyone. No one is proud of me for that but me. 

I’m trying to become a better person every day. I think I’ve done a lot of growing and growing up, but most days I still feel like a child who’s in trouble, like I’m walking through eggshells. I can’t have a conversation with anyone because it’s a possibility that I’m having an affair. Hell, I’m scared to death of working because what if I don’t continue to take my medications properly and my bipolar mentality kicks in and I’m back to screwing people just to impress them and have them like me? Do you know HOW much it sucks to not be able to trust yourself? Do you know how much it sucks to know that your spouse doesn’t trust you further than he can throw you? Do you know how much it sucks to know you can’t be alone with another person without your husband imagining the worst? Do you know how much it sucks to have your privacy invaded now that they know you’ve been unfaithful, even though you’re busting your ass to change and make things right? I’m going to therapy. I have a Psychiatrist. I’m on a lot of meds. I’m a member of a Support Group and I blog. I have outlets and I have friends that I talk to. But it’s never enough, I still feel like a cheating whore at the end of that day. Even when it’s been a good day. Even when the husband and I have great sex. I still feel like I don’t deserve him. I feel like I’m filthy and unforgiven. 

I have no idea where I’ll be 10 years from now, but some days, I have a gut-feeling that I’ll be divorced and lonely again. Especially when the kids find out that I broke their dad’s heart by cheating on him. I have a feeling I’ll be one of those crazy women with the matted hair, talking to the voices in their head out loud, while pushing a shopping cart full of crap down the street. I mean, if you’re alone and lonely, what’s the point of staying on your medications, am I right? I know, it’s dramatic, but if things don’t change, and I keep feeling as horrible as I do inside every day, it’ll either be that or suicide. I’m tired of feeling worthless, no matter how hard I try to improve, work, change and grow. I think the pills are working, but maybe I’m just delusional. Maybe they’re not working and I am on the verge of having another manic-induced affair. Who knows. I’m schizo, remember? Some days I’m surprised I’m still alive by the days’ end. But somethings got to give right? Something soon? I’m trying to work 2 jobs to keep myself distracted and busy. So I don’t fall into bad habits. But I doubt that’s even recognized. It’s time to grow up, and I’m not just talking about me.  

Cheese, Cheesy and a Blonde Moment

The alarm was set for 5 am, but I snoozed until 6 am while the baby crawled all over me and Derrick. I rolled outta bed a little after six and ran to the bathroom before anyone else got there. Derrick ran to the kitchen and made the coffee. Have I mentioned just how much I LOVE that man? Once settled on the couch, I got on the laptop and checked all my social media sites and chatted with a few friends for a while. I watched the news and that’s when the depression kicked in. I swear, news has changed so much in the last 50 years (yes, I’m aware I’ve only been alive for 28 of the last 50 years). It’s frustrating. Where’s all the Good Sam stories? Where’s all the Cool Kid stories? Where’s all the Fireman Saves a Kitty in a Tree stories? Ugh!

Anyways, I made myself a protein shake for breakfast again. But this time I had a banana with it. Woot, mama got her potassium in. After breakfast I did the girly routine and washed up and started on my hair and makeup. My horoscope said that my lucky color for the day was “gold” so I wore gold concealer and gold eyeshadow. (I think it worked, I had a good day today.) I did my hair in a side-pony braid, twisted into a bun with a large black rose tucked behind my ear. The only jewelry I wore, were my great-grandma’s diamond stud earrings. Didn’t want to overwhelm my work uniform with too many accessories. Besides, I was spending the day in orientation and not many people got to witness my cuteness. But I rocked the Black & Blue today! Blue is not my favorite color, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t bring out my baby blues to pop!

I had to leave a little before 9 am to catch the bus for work. There was a man at the bus-stop in a wheelchair who was literally pacing back and forth. When I got to the stop he started talking to me but I couldn’t hear him because I had my earbuds in and was listening to Seether pretty loudly. He got kind of angry and wheeled off when I smiled but didn’t respond. I didn’t know him and he made me feel uncomfortable with his actions, so I minded my own business and stuck to my music while waiting for the bus, which, thankfully, showed up like two minutes later, ending this awkward session. So I got off of the bus at my stop to transfer to another bus and here’s the dumb-blonde moment of the day. I walk across the street to the bus stop I assume is the bus stop I need to go Eastbound for the bus (logically, it’s the stop on the Eastward facing side of the street, so I was right to assume) however, the bus I needed, was actually picking up the Eastbound passagers on the Westbound side—of which I crossed from. Which meant I needed to high-tail it backwards and cross back across from where I got off the first bus. Ugh.

The bus driver was pretty nice, she told me not to worry, that she’d get me to the stop closest to Kmart. And I kid you not, the stop is literally right across the street from my job—sweet! (Side Note: They’re building a BEV-MO next to my Kmart!!! YES!!) I got to work about 30-40 minutes too early, but I hung out in the break room watching TV with some other workers and managers a bit before orientation started. One of the managers I met during my second interview, made a comment about Guinness Floats with Vanilla Ice Cream and I chimed in with my approval and comment about them being “delicious Stout Floats that taste like a bitter-caramely milkshake or rootbeer float, they’re friggin delicious” and the manager smiled and told the others, “I knew I liked her”. That made my day. What a laid back guy, he’s great. My hiring manager is pretty sweet too, she’s super nice and helpful. There was one other new hire training with me today, a man for Loss Prevention. We chatted about college for a bit during out training videos.

I “worked” for 3 hours today and received my schedule for the next 2 weeks, which is awesome! I get paid this coming Friday for 11 hours—better than nothing, mama REALLY needs a haircut. I work Tuesday and the sucky part is that Tuesday is also my first day at Payless, so I have to work around that schedule somehow. Just for that day at least. My manager was totally awesome about Saturdays being the observed Sabbath for me. She scheduled me around Saturdays. Also, I’m totally allowed to mention my job via social media within respectable limits. Woot! Besides, I’d never bad mouth anyone that I work with via my blogging. That’s so declasse.

The bus picked me up 5 minutes after I got off work and took me home. It was a nice 2 block stroll coming home, in the humidity, not. When I got home, Derrick hugged me and asked if I was hungry and offered to make me a Grilled Cheese sandwich. It was so delicious. I was ravenous. I got on the laptop and checked all my social sites and email. Turns out Starbucks and Dollar General want to interview me, but I respectfully declined because I already have 2 jobs that I really REALLY wanted. Now, if Torrid or Bath & Body Works call…that’s another story. I might just interview. But for now, I am HELLA excited to be working for Kmart and Payless, two of my most favorite stores!

I made Chinese Chicken Stir-fry for dinner tonight. With LOTS of veggies. The kids and Derrick loved it. I mean really, all four kids, even the baby ate it! Mama did goooood. Then, I made a rookie mistake. I decided to have a Reese’s Candy bar for dessert. I ate the whole bar…then read the nutritional facts. The bar was FOUR servings. OMGosh, ugh. So now I’m stuck with a tummy ache and the chocolate jitters. The kids all went to bed good tonight, no fighting, no arguing, just kisses, jammies, teeth brushed and to bed they went, even the baby. Derrick and I have been glued to Lifetime since they went to bed. We watched a movie with Daryl Hannah called Social Nightmare and I have to say, for a Lifetime movie, it was pretty damn good! Now, the movie we’re watching right now (Killer Reality) is a different story…

I’m off work til Tuesday and I plan on doing some fun things with the kids; going to the park, baking goodies and playing some board-games. I sure hope it rains during the next few days. Any excuse to use some candles and make hot cocoa, am I right? I have to write up a budget, a grocery list and a household necessities list for payday, tomorrow. I also need to make a weekly menu before the grocery list is written up. I need things to take to work for lunch. Speaking of lunch, the breakroom is pretty sweet at work. We have a 60 inch TV, leather couches and a stocked kitchen with a wall of lockers. My discounts are pretty sweet too, especially with Halloween right around the corner. So, I’m done for the night, I wrote a lot. Sorry if I rambled. Today was a pretty good day. Be back tomorrow for more adventures. 

Round and Round We Go...

I spent far too much time of Twitter again today. Good Lord. Good news is, I got two celebrities to follow me back on Follow Back Friday! I haven’t been feeling good today. I woke up kind of late and didn’t feel right. Derrick walked the kiddos to school this morning, which was a total blessing. I love that man for all that he does for this family. He’s an amazing SAHDaddy. I’m so glad I married him, he’s the best man for the Daddy job. Like right now, as I sit typing this out, he’s in pain, but on the floor rolling around with Savannah, keeping her happy and giggling. What an awesome father, to be disabled, in pain, but putting your child’s joy ahead of your body aches. Which is good, considering that Savannah doesn’t want anything to do with me lately. She won’t even take a bottle from me, it has to be from her Daddy only.

Nothing super exciting happened today, other than the baby destroying the house after I worked all day to clean it. I didn’t get to have “relations” with Derrick because the baby woke up, so there went that bit of excitement. I cleaned the house, checked social media for a few hours, BS’d with friends on Twitter and made breakfast. Around lunch time, I started feeling super shaky and dizzy and needed to lay down. I laid down on the couch and instantly fell asleep because when I woke up, Derrick was home with the kiddos from school! He went and got the kids for me too, how awesome is that. I hope I’m not getting sick because I have to work Kmart tomorrow and I’m not sure how many hours I’m working. Also, I need to make me a lunch for tomorrow too. I have to catch an 8 am bus. I have to miss church again too, but I plan on talking to the manager Billie about Saturday mornings because of religious purposes. 

I need to go to bed early tonight because I don’t feel good and because I have to get up and get ready for work kinda earlier than normal. After I’m done with my hair & makeup, I’ll wake up the family so they can get ready for church. Sometimes I like the peace & quiet in the mornings, but other times, I like to watch the news with Derrick so we can discuss it. So, after I clean the kitchen tonight, after dinner, I’ll make the coffee and set the timer to 5 am, so I can get up and enjoy it while reading my Devotional and Bible for a bit before taking a shower. But, for now, it’s time for dinner. I made a Veggie Loaded Turkey Meatloaf with baked sweet potatoes and carrots. I plan on enjoying my meal and then checking social media a bit more, then crashing because I feel tomorrow is going to be a helluva long day! 

Damn Near Blew Me Away!

It’s 3 pm and the rain is coming down with pressure harder than that of my showerhead. It’s windy, breaking trees and we’ve been text-messaged a Tornado Warning. It could very well happen, but I doubt it. It’s hot and cold and humid. The kids are all sitting in the doorway listening to the weather and playing with the rain. They’re all bundled up in their winter rain coats and Derrick and I are sitting on the couch next to each other. The power is out and there isn’t much to do. I can’t go chat on Twitter or update Facebook with the wild weather updates. Oddly though, we’ve gotten 4 phone calls since the storm started 20 minutes ago. I hate that the internet is down and I can’t get online. So I’m sitting here, on the couch, in a humidity filled house, waiting for the power to kick back on, so I can post my blog.

I woke up to a bunch of tweets, replies and retweets from the dads on Modern Dads the TV show, so we chatted back and forth for a bit til the kids were ready to be walked to school. I had a meeting this afternoon with the District Manager of Payless for Riverside County in southern California at noon. I walked the kiddos to school and came back and got back on the computer and emailed a few people before I got off to make myself a PB & Chocolate Protein Shake for breakfast. My favorite part of the shake is the Chia Seeds…am I weird? LOL After breakfast I decided I might as well start getting ready because hair and makeup can, honestly, take an hour if I’m doing it right. I picked out my outfit and laid it on the bed while I went and brushed my teeth and washed my face. I got my makeup done in 20 minutes and got dressed. It took me 10 minutes to do my hair all cute in a chignon.

I’m a pretty confident woman and I tend to go after what I want, so I happen to be a power color player. I wear notice me colors and I’m not afraid of rocking them. I have long nails that are currently painted blue ombre with glitter and I wore hot pink lipstick. I could almost pass for a New Yorker. Derrick says I looked classically cute today and I thank him for that because if he tells me I look good, then I KNOW I look good. I decided against wearing heels because heels could be interpreted as either sexual or domineering, which could still be misconstrued as sexual as well—either way I woulda been screwed-ha! So I wore simple, black ballet flats and a nice outfit. Too bad I didn’t remember that my blouse is see-thru and that there’s a simple white camisole underneath and that if pulled too tightly, the cami slips under my bra and shows everything through my shirt. I have no idea how long the cami has been under my bra, but that’s how I noticed it when I got home.

So, this afternoon I took the bus to the Galleria at Tyler Mall to have a meeting with the Payless District Manager about my employment whereabouts and he was a pretty cool guy. We literally BS’d for the whole meeting, just up until I literally had to leave to catch the bus with only minutes to spare. He showed me the program I’d be using, trained me in the conversion software and toured me through the backend of the store, which is vaguely similar to all the other Payless stores. So he said, you learn one, you learn em all. He scored me highly above average in the “second interview” process and offered me the job right on the spot while we were joking about his buddy who had a falling out with Dollar Tree. So, I officially have 2 jobs. I am a Cashier at Kmart and a Sales Associate at Payless. I know I can make this work. I have to. We need to get on our feet. We need to move to a bigger house. 4 kids in a small 2 bedroom apartment isn’t going to fly much longer. We need space.

I got home around 2pm and Derrick was cleaning the kitchen and the kids were all doing their homework at the kitchen table. I got on the laptop and checked my emails to see if any other closer to home job leads came through, but none yet. While I was at the mall, I checked in with Torrid, Victoria’s Secret, Bath & Body Works and Motherhood Maternity. 2 said they weren’t starting interviews till October and the other 2 said they’d take my information and call me within a couple days. I know I have 2 jobs already, but they’re kind of out of the way and I need something closer to home *aka* one bus ride to and from work versus 2 to 3 different buses. Don’t get me wrong, I am completely grateful and happy to have Kmart and Payless and they’re not that far away from home and who wouldn’t want the employee discounts, but I’d be spending 90 minutes plus both to and coming home from work. That’s a lot of time I’m missing with the family. But you gotta do what you gotta do to make the family survive and have the things I didn’t have growing up, right? Exactly.

Funny story, at the mall today, this Sales guy who was trying to sell moisturizers to all the ladies shopping, caught me by the hand while I was walking by in a hurry and asked me to sample a few of their products. I’ll admit it, the guy had some gorgeous blue eyes and a foreign accent, so I didn’t say no. I tried the body scrub, the body butter and the facial cleanser. All worked wonderfully, but this Salesman worked his ass off in the flirting department just to make a sale. A sale that would never happen, because mama was broke, had no cash and 2 maxed out credit cards in her wallet, LOL. But I let him sweet talk me. I let him joke about me being too young to be married for 10 years and for having 3 kids (I’m 28 BTW) and I laughed at his “trying too hard” sales pitch. But when he got desperate, that’s when I had to cut ties and run. Run from the blue eyes and the thick Greek accent. He gave me his business card and told me he’d remember my face and would see me again when I came back to work. I smiled, nodded and ran for the bus—I had 5 minutes til departure and I was ½ the mall length away from the depot.

Now I’m home and relaxing and the power is still out. I took turkey out to thaw for homemade Meatloaf for dinner. The kids all need to take showers. But instead, I’m letting them all play a boardgame since I’m writing. Derrick hasn’t moved from the couch in the last 60 minutes as I’ve written this…technically I haven’t moved either, if you don’t count my fingers. The rain has stopped and the humidity is high and I’m starting to sweat my makeup off. I need some water. Maybe I’ll watch Shaun of the Dead while the power is out, but I doubt my laptop battery will survive a 2 hour movie after I’ve sat here typing this long ass blog for almost an hour. Derrick is listening to Nightwish on his cellphone and I’m listening to the kids play their boardgame. Who do I join once I’m done writing? Choices. Choices.