I’m irritable today. Everything is getting on my nerves. My kids not listening. My baby screaming all the time and wanting her dad and not me. My grandparents not paying attention to the sermon. My grandfather asking the choir director for her phone number because he “needs someone to talk to about his sex life” or the lack thereof. My mother is trying to turn the church into a marketplace once again by trying to sell her crocheted butterfly magnets. And it’s all getting on my fucking nerves. I’m really ready to explode, emotionally. Which would be kind of welcomed right now, because I can’t remember the last time I cried.
I spent a few hours online this morning, again checking my favorite sites and chatting on Facebook Group Pages for a while. Made some new friends. Chatted about my insecurities and how I’m afraid and intimidated by the regulars in the group since I’m technically a newbie still. It’s depressing when you make a post in a group, hell even on here, and no one likes it nor comments on it. It’s “seen” by people, but not acknowledged. That hurts. A lot. I don’t care what that makes me sound like, but I don’t like how it makes me feel. So I posted that in the group and I got a lot of positive feedback and two new Facebook friends.
The sermon at church today was about not being perfect, but how God’s grace is. How we’re all broken, damaged sinners but we’re all forgiven under grace when we have faith. God knows I’m not perfect, I wrote a blog about it the other day, about being a Doomed Christian. I think it was God way of telling me to hold on today. I was also given a book called the Purpose Driven Life and the quote on the front is “What on Earth am I here for?” That was also a post I made on Facebook a few days ago. I love when He gives me little signs. It’s little things like that that keep my faith as strong as it is. It’s not perfect, I question God a lot of the time, but it’s still faith.
After church they had a chili cook off and I was bummed I didn’t get to participate or help, even though I left a comment card saying I wanted to volunteer. But we all stayed and ate lunch. It was pretty good, a big variety of chilies, both vegetarian and meat, plus hotdogs, nachos and pasta salad. Cake for dessert. We stayed for a little while after lunch so the kids could play on the slip and slide and with waterballoons, but the 3 youngest ones were becoming irritable and that’s a sign they need a nap. So we came home and Derrick gave Maverick a shower because he had grass all over him and I changed Olivia and gave Savannah the rest of her bottle. Derrick laid on the couch and took a nap and I watched two episodes of Awkward on my laptop while everyone slept.
Even though it’s the Sabbath, I HAD to clean the kitchen. We didn’t do it yesterday (see I’m not perfect, I leave dirty dishes in the kitchen sometimes. Yes I do have OCD, but it’s not that severe, LOL). I had thawed skirt steak for dinner. I wanted Derrick to make his delicious fajitas and so I had to clean the kitchen to make that possible. I’m still struggling with this Sabbath Rest Day thing. It’s hard when you’re in a family of 6, with 4 very young children and the house gets messy everyday. You have to clean every day. Unless we’re dog tired and just go to bed when we send the kids to bed. I wish I could say that’s what happened last night, but last night I got sucked into Derrick’s soap opera aka WWE SmackDown.
Now that we’ve finished dinner, I’m sitting here, writing this and watching Miss Congeniality. I’m not hearing much of the movie because the baby will not stop her insistent screaming over nothing. Literally nothing, she knows not what she wants. Not food, not a drink, not to be talked to or held, nothing. It’s rather maddening, I’ve never had one of my kids act like this before. It’s frustrating. She screams every time Derrick walks away from her. Every single time. And just like that I get a craving for hot cocoa (thanks air conditioner for freezing my ass off) and to watch more Awkward episodes. Maybe I’ll make me some, go lay in bed and watch my show while the kids watch Sanjay and Craig. Whatever I do, it’ll involve earbuds or earplugs.
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