Who Am I?

I could be an actress. I'm good at hiding my true feelings. Hell, some people are shocked to find out I have mental illnesses. Others, like family, know I can be a crazy bitch sometimes. I've been thinking a lot about how I save face a lot. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve like I used to. I've literally done a one eighty. I'm nice and happy to people who don't know me, the real me. And I'm a complete bitch to those that do know me. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I treat some people one way and others another.

I've been reading the BPD for Dummies book a lot lately, okay, I've been flipping through it and reading what pops out at me and I've seen that it's normal for a person with BPD cling to new friends, try their damnedest to impress them and then drop them if they don't show the same interest back to us. I totally do this. But with all friends, not just new friends. I love people and I always give them the benefit of the doubt, always go out of my way to earn their love and get 1000% offended if they don't reciprocate. 

Which ties in to me feeling abandoned. When friends or family members don't respond to me, in what I feel to be a timely manner, I feel abandoned by them. No gray, it's either black or it's white. Either you're my friend when I need you to be or you're not my friend at all. There's no in between for me. I also worry about Derrick leaving me because of this. I put a lot of pressure on him to respond to me as quick as possible and I know that gets on his nerves. I push his buttons. It's almost like I'm constantly finding a reason to make him leave because I feel like everyone will leave me, it's just a matter of when...

Another thing I've been blogging about is my lack of emotions. I feel so empty, bored and lonely. I don't do much during the day. In fact I can't really remember what I do. I have flashes of the chores of done and taking care of the kids, but honestly, at the end of the day I couldn't tell you one conversation I had or what I did online. I don't remember. I'm scared that I'm losing my memory and I wonder if it's the medications doing it to me. I want to do something with my life so I don't feel so empty, bored and lonely, but I'm good at so many things, I don't know what path I should choose. I just feel so out of touch with life.

One other thing I've been talking to Derrick about lately has been abuse. Not necessarily the abuse that happened to me, even though it's a lot, but we're talking about the abuse I've caused. To Derrick. I used to be an extremely violent person and I'm not proud of it. I'd lash out at Derrick for everything; from arguments to him ordering the wrong meal off a menu because I didn't like it. First it started out as play fighting, then it progressed to me hitting him because I KNEW he wouldn't hit me back. Whenever I was hurt, angry, pissed off or PMSing I took it out on Derrick. I've come a long way, I don't hit Derrick anymore, but sometimes I playfully give him a shot in the nuts, especially when he smacks my ass and it hurts. 

The problem I've been having lately is thoughts of self harm again. I'm trying really hard to fight the urges, but I really want to cut. Like I said, I've been feeling rather numb lately and I need something just to feel once again. I'm tired of being a zombie and just floating by in life. I'm not asking for attention, because if I do decide to cut, I refuse to blog pictures of it like some "cutters" do. I'm not an attention whore in that fashion, I'm not looking for sympathy votes, I'm looking for emotions within myself. I haven't cut since I was 23 and the deep scars are nearly faded away, even the gashes on my thighs. It's bittersweet. It's reminder of a time when I was on the verge of suicide but rather I made myself feel. It reminded me that I was alive and had a purpose and that the blood in my veins was there for a reason and to not give up. 

It's really hard having Mental Illness because you're two people at once. One you want to be a voice of awareness, an advocate for the mentally ill. The other side you hid your mental illness because of the stigma, you don't want to be known as the local "crazy" and be constantly questioned if you've taken your meds today. Having mental illness is totally a catch 22. At times I get embarrassed that I have mental illness because people question my sanity and then bring up my kids. I might not be the best parent, but I'm a damn good one. Other times, I'm a huge advocate for Mental Health because there shouldn't be any stigmas or embarrassments about it. I'm not perfect. I sometimes question my medication. I'm barely starting therapy. And I've been hospitalized and humiliated by my daughter telling the whole school that I was in a mental hospital. But hey, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right?