"I walked in to the living room from outside. I saw the kids sitting on the floor watching TV. I looked to the couch and saw Derrick sitting there with some girl next to him. She had her legs draped over his legs and her hand on his thigh. I tried not to lose my cool, walked in and sat down next to the kids on the floor. Derrick, nor the girl, budged. When the show on the TV went to commercial, I got up, with tears in my eyes and walked down the hall to the bedroom, where I had planned on locking the door and cutting myself. Just as I was about to close the door behind me, Derrick pushed the door open and yelled at me, "You're not going to be a baby and cut yourself, are you!?" I cried and screamed for him to leave me alone and the next thing I know, the girl is coming into the room and yelling at me to knock it off.
Just then I lose it and I go postal on this bitch and I beat her ass like no tomorrow. I hear Derrick in the background calling 911 and he's telling them, "My wife is Bipolar and she just attacked my girlfriend. She's going to kill her. Please hurry." I stopped hitting the girl and walked out of the room, back down the hall to the living room. Derrick asked me where I was going and I said, "For a walk." I left and walked down the street, jumping a fence, walking along the train tracks to the station and jumped on a train. The train made a beeping noise that the doors were closing, which technically was my alarm going off...and I woke up.
I hate dreams. I easily get upset by them, especially if they're dreams where Derrick is cheating on me or abusing me. But this dream in particular left me feeling offended. Derrick called the cops on me and the first thing out of his mouth is that I'm Bipolar and dangerous. Am I? I wish I knew exactly what this dream meant. It frustrates me. But really, I'm on medications, I was in a situation where I was hurt and then I was made fun of, of course I was gunna blow up and beat some ass. Who wouldn't? But it was just a dream, right? But was it? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? That I'm too sensitive and that I need to take things less serious? That I need to stop abusing myself? I don't know, but I wish I did because dreams like this drain me mentally and emotionally.
I woke up early today, to the sound of my alarm, to go for a jog with my mother. We did about 4 miles today, which is pretty good, considering I have shoes that are falling apart, my left foot and knee are killing me and that I was wearing the WRONG kind of bra, LOL. I knew better, but I forgot to change before I left. I also forgot to take water, d'oh. When I got home, I didn't stay very long. I ate breakfast and then headed back over to my grandparents apartment to go with my grandma and mom to pick up my grandpa's work check. We decided to stop at the 99 cent store and I bought $16 worth of groceries. I got lots of produce, like 12 bananas, a sack of plums and peaches and apples, a box of salad and a big bag of carrots.
I didn't do much else today, just straightened up the house, trolled on the internet for a bit, researched a LOT of health and fitness articles today and read my 30 Day Jumpstart book that I'm doing this next month (tomorrow). After a protein shake for lunch, I meditated for 20 minutes, then I laid down on the couch and literally slept til almost 5 pm. I've never been so relaxed in my life. I got up and read a bit more on the internet and then I started dinner. I made Honey Mustard Shrimp and Rice Stir-fry with a side of green beans. My three year old (the PICKY one) actually ate all of her dinner and I didn't have to fight her on it at all! *Insert Mommy Happy Dance here* I get so giddy whenever I make a meal that EVERYONE likes and finishes with no problem.
After dinner, I got on the computer and logged all my food for the day. I did 1600 calories today and I'm still under my goal for the day. While on the computer, my neighbor called and asked if I'd come over for a bit. So I went over to Synthia's house and we chatted for a good half hour. She gave me some toys to give to the kids and I came home. I did more exercise research and then I decided to write this blog. We're watching Despicable Me again, love those little minions so much. The kids are playing in their room and Derrick is writing his blog. It's almost bed time, but Evelyn and I are going to practice yoga before she goes to bed and I'm going to go a strength training session before I slip away to take a bath with candles and bubbles because I totally deserve it. Here's to having a good night's sleep with better dreams.
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